The List

Ever since I was a little girl, my mom has prayed that I will find the man that will love me and be all that I need in my life. And she tells me that this is her dream for me. I don't know if it is because I am her one and only baby girl or if it is because she hasn't found that one man that will love her and be all that she needs and deserves in her life. Whatever her reason, she has always told me that. She has also always told me that I need to make a list of all the qualities I want in a husband and stick in my Bible and pray over it and never stop praying over it until he comes.

There have been times in my life that I have pulled the list out and changed and added some things. I would be happy thinking about this guy and all the great qualities he will have. I knew that it would be near impossible but I knew that there is at least one man in the world that could fit the mold. So, I would continue to pray over it and my mom would also. And every disappointing relationship since then has filled me with doubt. Why have I not found him? Do I not deserve someone like him? What is so wrong with me?

And it wasn't until the trials of this past year and also a message I heard from a Kairos Session at Brentwood Baptist that I realized why I haven't found him... and why I haven't deserved him. Even though I had this list in my Bible and I prayed over it, it never included anything about God in it. I was missing #1 on my list!

I have never known a successful relationship in my entire life. My parents were divorced and neither remarried. The aunts and uncles that I was close with were divorced. My grandparents were divorced. I grew up staying the night at friends house who had single parents. I just never once had an influential, Christian-based marriage to look up to. (And I would like to say that my mother is a good Christian woman. She has been the sole provider of any Christian influence in my life. Despite how hard my mother tried to make it a good Christian household, there is only so much she can do when her "other half" offers no cooperation. She did the best she could.) I never realized the importance of a God-based relationship. I knew it would help... I mean, of course two "good" people are going to get along. But I never knew that without it, a relationship is impossible. Period.

So, after hearing this sermon about God-based relationships and a Biblical marriage, these priorities and characteristics took over my list. I was able to taste the overwhelming joy that this could bring me. I felt that my list was now complete.

However, there was a small problem. In the midst of my epiphany, I realized I was already involved in a relationship... one that I knew was not meeting up to my new standards. But not to say anything was all his fault! We both had the same values and we had discussed on many occasions our desire to be good healthy Christians for the rest of our lives for ourselves and for each other. However, by our weak foundations, we were both enabling each other to continue on with this destructive lifestyle. It was like the harder I pushed for him to walk with me on my new journey, the more he resisted. The more he resisted the more upset and angry and confused I became, only putting my walk back 10 giant steps. And when he said he was ready, I wasn't. I was still angry he wasn't ready when I was. Neither one of us had a solid foundation to move forward from. And even if one of us did, it wasn't strong enough to carry the weight of both of us. We just couldn't find a common ground nor the strength to keep on.

No matter how hard I tried, it failed. And let's just say, it failed miserably. And it hurt. I saw this relationship that had great potential just slip further and further away from me and where I wanted it to go. (Which is another reason why I held on so tightly, giving chance after chance... I just really wanted to end up where I knew we both wanted to go.)

But I see now that I must first seek Him. That I must sort out my life and build my own foundation before I can move forward with someone else. I must deal with the issues and insecurities that come along with not ever knowing a good relationship. And through Christ these things will be manageable, despite the many times I've been told I will never be able to overcome them. I know that I will. And just like my mother has known, God has known the man He has in mind for me. But I have realized that there will be no fulfilling, Christian, strong relationship, if I don't have Christ in my life FIRST. My relationship with God is my foundation and without Him, no other relationship will stand the storm.

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."