Ever since I was a little girl, my mom has prayed that I will find the man that will love me and be all that I need in my life. And she tells me that this is her dream for me. I don't know if it is because I am her one and only baby girl or if it is because she hasn't found that one man that will love her and be all that she needs and deserves in her life. Whatever her reason, she has always told me that. She has also always told me that I need to make a list of all the qualities I want in a husband and stick in my Bible and pray over it and never stop praying over it until he comes.
There have been times in my life that I have pulled the list out and changed and added some things. I would be happy thinking about this guy and all the great qualities he will have. I knew that it would be near impossible but I knew that there is at least one man in the world that could fit the mold. So, I would continue to pray over it and my mom would also. And every disappointing relationship since then has filled me with doubt. Why have I not found him? Do I not deserve someone like him? What is so wrong with me?
And it wasn't until the trials of this past year and also a message I heard from a Kairos Session at Brentwood Baptist that I realized why I haven't found him... and why I haven't deserved him. Even though I had this list in my Bible and I prayed over it, it never included anything about God in it. I was missing #1 on my list!
I have never known a successful relationship in my entire life. My parents were divorced and neither remarried. The aunts and uncles that I was close with were divorced. My grandparents were divorced. I grew up staying the night at friends house who had single parents. I just never once had an influential, Christian-based marriage to look up to. (And I would like to say that my mother is a good Christian woman. She has been the sole provider of any Christian influence in my life. Despite how hard my mother tried to make it a good Christian household, there is only so much she can do when her "other half" offers no cooperation. She did the best she could.) I never realized the importance of a God-based relationship. I knew it would help... I mean, of course two "good" people are going to get along. But I never knew that without it, a relationship is impossible. Period.
So, after hearing this sermon about God-based relationships and a Biblical marriage, these priorities and characteristics took over my list. I was able to taste the overwhelming joy that this could bring me. I felt that my list was now complete.
However, there was a small problem. In the midst of my epiphany, I realized I was already involved in a relationship... one that I knew was not meeting up to my new standards. But not to say anything was all his fault! We both had the same values and we had discussed on many occasions our desire to be good healthy Christians for the rest of our lives for ourselves and for each other. However, by our weak foundations, we were both enabling each other to continue on with this destructive lifestyle. It was like the harder I pushed for him to walk with me on my new journey, the more he resisted. The more he resisted the more upset and angry and confused I became, only putting my walk back 10 giant steps. And when he said he was ready, I wasn't. I was still angry he wasn't ready when I was. Neither one of us had a solid foundation to move forward from. And even if one of us did, it wasn't strong enough to carry the weight of both of us. We just couldn't find a common ground nor the strength to keep on.
No matter how hard I tried, it failed. And let's just say, it failed miserably. And it hurt. I saw this relationship that had great potential just slip further and further away from me and where I wanted it to go. (Which is another reason why I held on so tightly, giving chance after chance... I just really wanted to end up where I knew we both wanted to go.)
But I see now that I must first seek Him. That I must sort out my life and build my own foundation before I can move forward with someone else. I must deal with the issues and insecurities that come along with not ever knowing a good relationship. And through Christ these things will be manageable, despite the many times I've been told I will never be able to overcome them. I know that I will. And just like my mother has known, God has known the man He has in mind for me. But I have realized that there will be no fulfilling, Christian, strong relationship, if I don't have Christ in my life FIRST. My relationship with God is my foundation and without Him, no other relationship will stand the storm.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Have Mercy, Lord
"You are a shield around me, O Lord. You bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from His holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise O Lord, deliver me!
In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, 'Who can show us any good?' Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread you protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, for I am faint; Heal me, for my bones are troubled. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do and bring evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." (Psalms 3-6)
Lord, I will lie in my bed tonight and weep, uncontrollably and painfully weep for this to end... just like I have done many other times before. Please end this turmoil and strife in my heart and in my life. Take me out of this pain and unhappiness and place me in your hands. Comfort me, hold me, reassure me, Lord. For I am as weak as I have ever been and I have had little faith for far too long. Have mercy on me, Lord. It has been hard for me to put away my controlling nature. I have depended on it for so long. For months I have tried to fill my life with what I thought would make me happy. I had a feeling it wasn't what you wanted for me, however, that didn't stop me from trying to make it work. I was too scared to let go and allow you to show me what plans you have in store for me. Sadly, I had more faith in what he was telling me than I did in what you were so loudly and clearly telling me. I chose to allow him to control my happiness and my life with broken promises and empty words. Lord, please forgive me. You have never forsaken me before but I still chose to go down my own unrighteous path... denying every step of the way how destructive it was. But Lord I do see now that I am not in control. You have shown me time and time again that you are. You have screamed as loud as you could to me to hand over the reigns, to have complete faith in the plans you have in my life! I will no longer ignore what you are telling me. I have failed miserably and I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me and have mercy on me.
For months now, I have walked down this road of lies, deceit, anger, jealousy, pride, fear, lust, and stress. All with the hopes that one man in my life could take that all away... that all of his promises would be able to undo all that was done and would bring me happiness and a life full of fulfilling memories and adventures. The harder I cried, the louder I screamed, the more I fought, the more apparent it became that something wasn't right. It shouldn't be this hard. Because in love, all things are perfect. And this was far from that.
I knew for months what God was telling me. But I chose to have more faith in this guy to show me the life "he was going to give me" than I did in God. I was more interested in what he had to offer than what God had to offer. And because of my disobedience and my lack of faith in Him, I've ended up with this heartache and pain and absolute turmoil and disappointment. Instead of having patience and faith, I tried filling this desire to love and be loved with someone I had to force and beg to treat me the way I wanted and knew I deserved.
Now in order to prove my faithfulness to Him, I must give up all my wordly pleasures (or what I thought were pleasures, meaning relationships, drinking, etc). I have to give up my childish things and my childish ways. I have to sit and wait and be silent. I have to be still and trust in Him. For his works will take hold of my life and take me where He wants me to go. It is then that He will fill my life with meaningful friends and a fulfilling relationship. He will give me my husband and the father of my kids and there will be no stress of trying to make him be who I deserve and no fear of disappointment. And at that point in my life, I will be all that he deserves as well.
As long as I have dreaded this day, it is here. But I am now comforted in the fact that He will not forsake me. He is not closing this door in my life without opening a new one. I do have faith now because throughout these past few months I have been strengthened by Him. Even when I least deserved it, God has shown His mercy on my life and provided me with the tools I need to move forward, steadfastly. Lord, please forgive me for taking so long.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Then you will call out to me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, 'Who can show us any good?' Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread you protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, for I am faint; Heal me, for my bones are troubled. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do and bring evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." (Psalms 3-6)
Lord, I will lie in my bed tonight and weep, uncontrollably and painfully weep for this to end... just like I have done many other times before. Please end this turmoil and strife in my heart and in my life. Take me out of this pain and unhappiness and place me in your hands. Comfort me, hold me, reassure me, Lord. For I am as weak as I have ever been and I have had little faith for far too long. Have mercy on me, Lord. It has been hard for me to put away my controlling nature. I have depended on it for so long. For months I have tried to fill my life with what I thought would make me happy. I had a feeling it wasn't what you wanted for me, however, that didn't stop me from trying to make it work. I was too scared to let go and allow you to show me what plans you have in store for me. Sadly, I had more faith in what he was telling me than I did in what you were so loudly and clearly telling me. I chose to allow him to control my happiness and my life with broken promises and empty words. Lord, please forgive me. You have never forsaken me before but I still chose to go down my own unrighteous path... denying every step of the way how destructive it was. But Lord I do see now that I am not in control. You have shown me time and time again that you are. You have screamed as loud as you could to me to hand over the reigns, to have complete faith in the plans you have in my life! I will no longer ignore what you are telling me. I have failed miserably and I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me and have mercy on me.
For months now, I have walked down this road of lies, deceit, anger, jealousy, pride, fear, lust, and stress. All with the hopes that one man in my life could take that all away... that all of his promises would be able to undo all that was done and would bring me happiness and a life full of fulfilling memories and adventures. The harder I cried, the louder I screamed, the more I fought, the more apparent it became that something wasn't right. It shouldn't be this hard. Because in love, all things are perfect. And this was far from that.
I knew for months what God was telling me. But I chose to have more faith in this guy to show me the life "he was going to give me" than I did in God. I was more interested in what he had to offer than what God had to offer. And because of my disobedience and my lack of faith in Him, I've ended up with this heartache and pain and absolute turmoil and disappointment. Instead of having patience and faith, I tried filling this desire to love and be loved with someone I had to force and beg to treat me the way I wanted and knew I deserved.
Now in order to prove my faithfulness to Him, I must give up all my wordly pleasures (or what I thought were pleasures, meaning relationships, drinking, etc). I have to give up my childish things and my childish ways. I have to sit and wait and be silent. I have to be still and trust in Him. For his works will take hold of my life and take me where He wants me to go. It is then that He will fill my life with meaningful friends and a fulfilling relationship. He will give me my husband and the father of my kids and there will be no stress of trying to make him be who I deserve and no fear of disappointment. And at that point in my life, I will be all that he deserves as well.
As long as I have dreaded this day, it is here. But I am now comforted in the fact that He will not forsake me. He is not closing this door in my life without opening a new one. I do have faith now because throughout these past few months I have been strengthened by Him. Even when I least deserved it, God has shown His mercy on my life and provided me with the tools I need to move forward, steadfastly. Lord, please forgive me for taking so long.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Then you will call out to me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Protection through Strengthening
As promised, this is a devotional from In Touch magazine written by Pastor Charles Stanley. This article spoke to me and really comforted me on an unbelievably lonely and sad night.
Devotional from 2 Timothy 4:9-18
"While writing to Timothy, Paul was in prison experiencing physical discomfort, personal attack, and desertion. Why would God allow one of His most faithful servants to endure such suffering? Why didn't He step in and protect him?
At times the Lord doesn't rescue us from suffering because He is providing something better. We may feel as if He's abandoning us, but in reality, He is protecting us - not by deliverance but through strengthening.
When trouble pays a visit, view it from God's perspective and ask yourself:
*Which is a greater demonstration of the Lord's power - changing something around me or changing something within my heart?
*Which is the greater faith builder - seeing God's deliverance from every difficulty or experiencing His presence and strengthening in the midst of trials?
*Which reward is greater - quick relief from pain, or tested and refined faith that will result in praise and glory when Christ returns (1 Peter 1:7)?
*Which answer to prayer is greater: that the Lord has removed something and given me external peace, or that He's left me in a trial and given me internal peace that nothing can steal - not even my circumstances."
This small article really made me realize that I could do this... that I was going to be ok. If Paul could be in his lonely jail cell for something he didn't even do and be treated like dirt, I could sit in the comfort of my bed, alone. If he could have enough faith in the Lord to not be mad at Him for not taking him out of his physical situation, I could also have faith in knowing that God will see me through this. I somehow found inner peace despite the whirlwind of a life I was caught in.
Paul wrote, "At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever."
Amen
Devotional from 2 Timothy 4:9-18
"While writing to Timothy, Paul was in prison experiencing physical discomfort, personal attack, and desertion. Why would God allow one of His most faithful servants to endure such suffering? Why didn't He step in and protect him?
At times the Lord doesn't rescue us from suffering because He is providing something better. We may feel as if He's abandoning us, but in reality, He is protecting us - not by deliverance but through strengthening.
When trouble pays a visit, view it from God's perspective and ask yourself:
*Which is a greater demonstration of the Lord's power - changing something around me or changing something within my heart?
*Which is the greater faith builder - seeing God's deliverance from every difficulty or experiencing His presence and strengthening in the midst of trials?
*Which reward is greater - quick relief from pain, or tested and refined faith that will result in praise and glory when Christ returns (1 Peter 1:7)?
*Which answer to prayer is greater: that the Lord has removed something and given me external peace, or that He's left me in a trial and given me internal peace that nothing can steal - not even my circumstances."
This small article really made me realize that I could do this... that I was going to be ok. If Paul could be in his lonely jail cell for something he didn't even do and be treated like dirt, I could sit in the comfort of my bed, alone. If he could have enough faith in the Lord to not be mad at Him for not taking him out of his physical situation, I could also have faith in knowing that God will see me through this. I somehow found inner peace despite the whirlwind of a life I was caught in.
Paul wrote, "At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever."
Amen
Unanswered Prayers
"Just because He doesn't answer, does not mean that he doesn't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
I view life as one big roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs and you never know when these twists and turns will come or end. (It's a cheesy metaphor but please work with me here.) Just from past experiences, when you are on a high... it's a huge high! And you can't see nor do you want to see the low that may be around the corner. And when there's a low... it hits you fast, hard, and without warning. And although you scream and beg that the low will end, it seems to go on forever.
Well, last year was about the time of my graduation from college. It was one of the best times in my life and I felt unstoppable! I just completed the best 4 years of my life. I accepted a job offer to a well-respected hospital and ensured some stability in my life and my family's life post-graduation. I was going to be part of a highly sought after orientation/training program for new graduate nurses. My parents were proud of me. I had more friends than I could ask for and all the support in the world. And I started dating one of the most amazing guys I had ever met a week before graduation, who just absolutely swept me off my feet. I was doing everything that I ever dreamed of doing. It literally couldn't have gotten any better for me at that point.
No wonder I was so blind to what was about to happen to me!!
It wasn't until months later that the bliss and excitement of all that was happening in my life faded away. I came to the reality that my boyfriend would not be able to follow me to Nashville (where I wanted to live for many reasons) because he has a son in Knoxville. My family began falling apart and everything that could turn into a disaster did. Financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, my family was a mess. I couldn't seem to make friends in Nashville. My job constantly made me feel inadequate and I wondered when the comfort of knowing slightly what I was doing would ever come. And I was beginning to lose interest in nursing altogether, something that I had loved so much before. I reached out to old friends for help only to realize that they had moved on, were married, having kids, have their own problems, or just plain ole didn't want to talk to me anymore. Who knows? So, I reached out to the one man in my life who seemed to be stable... the one person who I knew would love me and care for me and do whatever it took to see me happy and us together... my boyfriend.
He is a very unemotional guy, non-confrontational, who just wants to have a good time. I thought this would be an excellent balance to my very emotionally charged nature. Maybe in my time of need, he could calm me and say the right words to help me get over things. In the bliss of our relationship, he gave me happiness. And instead of dealing with my crazy life, I allowed him to give me that happiness. However, when the smoke cleared and the honeymoon phase was over, all I had to talk to and depend on was just that... an unemotional guy who just wanted to have a good time. I didn't have that emotional connection with him. He wasn't making me happy with the "love" he was showing me. He wasn't able to support me emotionally! And on top of the lying and hurtful words and actions and the distance, the relationship fell apart. The harder I pushed for him to emotionally be there for me, the more resistance he showed and freedom he demanded... the more he seemed to do traumatic things (in my eyes) to the relationship and me that would show me I needed to back off. So with the distance he put between us plus the distance that had already existed, I was alone.
This alone feeling hit me hard. I felt helpless when it came to helping my family (which I've always been able to do in the past). I felt like something was wrong with me because I couldn't make friends and all my old friends went their separate ways. And the man I was convinced I would marry, wanted space. The louder I yelled, the harder I kicked and screamed, the more I cried, the more apparent it was becoming that there was NO ONE there. There were so many nights that I would sit in my large, empty one bedroom apartment in this large, empty city crying for someone to walk into my door and put their arms around me and reassure me that everything would be ok. There are countless days when I couldn't eat... I couldn't imagine the food filling me up enough that it would make me feel whole again. So, I became nausous at the thought of eating. There are countless nights when I couldn't sleep... I couldn't imagine sleep being able to take away the painful reality of my "poor pitiful life." So, I would sit up crying stairing at my empty bed. There are no words to describe this feeling. I can try and try but I will never be able to display the sadness, emptiness, and hurt that I was feeling. I could never fathom being able to do this... but I do understand the feeling people get right before they choose to end their life.
So instead of taking that route, I decided to pray. I mean I had no one else to talk to, so why not? I also began reading my Bible. I couldn't explain it, but praying and reading my Bible seemed to give me some bit of comfort. Whether it was all the comfort I thought I needed at the time was a different story. But it was, however, giving me more comfort than any single thing had for months before then, so I continued to do it. My mom had given me her In Touch magazine, which is a monthly devotional type thing written by Pastor Charles Stanley. I always enjoyed listening to him speak on tv so I thought I would give his magazine a chance. It was the Sunday, March 1st devotional that really hit home to me. It discussed how God gives us protection through strengthening. It sparked interest in me because it seemed to be what I was looking for... something or someone to strengthen me! So I read on... It said, "Does the Lord have to fix something in order for you to be happy? If He removes a difficult situation, you may never learn that He truly is sufficient for everything you need. Instead, allow Him to change YOU (not your situation), and you'll discover His joy in whatever circumstances may come your way."
I have been begging him for months to change my situation (the one which I ironically was so excited about being in almost a year ago). I asked him to give me friends and give me someone whom I can talk to. I should have been happy just talking to Him. I was asking God to take away the distance and find some way that I could move back to Knoxville and be with my boyfriend. I should've been happy that God was showing me the plan HE has for me, not the plan that I have for myself! I was begging for someone to walk into my door and put his arms around me, when God walked into my door a long time ago and has put His arms around me every night!! He has never let me go. He has never forsaken me, regardless of how little faith I had at times. I just never realized that the silence and solitude that the Lord was forcing me to be in was for my own good. It wasn't to punish me. It was to strengthen me and my faith in Him.
How amazing is He!
I will post the article next... It's called "Protection through Strengthening." I hope it will give you some comfort like it did me, if that is what you are needing in your life.
I view life as one big roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs and you never know when these twists and turns will come or end. (It's a cheesy metaphor but please work with me here.) Just from past experiences, when you are on a high... it's a huge high! And you can't see nor do you want to see the low that may be around the corner. And when there's a low... it hits you fast, hard, and without warning. And although you scream and beg that the low will end, it seems to go on forever.
Well, last year was about the time of my graduation from college. It was one of the best times in my life and I felt unstoppable! I just completed the best 4 years of my life. I accepted a job offer to a well-respected hospital and ensured some stability in my life and my family's life post-graduation. I was going to be part of a highly sought after orientation/training program for new graduate nurses. My parents were proud of me. I had more friends than I could ask for and all the support in the world. And I started dating one of the most amazing guys I had ever met a week before graduation, who just absolutely swept me off my feet. I was doing everything that I ever dreamed of doing. It literally couldn't have gotten any better for me at that point.
No wonder I was so blind to what was about to happen to me!!
It wasn't until months later that the bliss and excitement of all that was happening in my life faded away. I came to the reality that my boyfriend would not be able to follow me to Nashville (where I wanted to live for many reasons) because he has a son in Knoxville. My family began falling apart and everything that could turn into a disaster did. Financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, my family was a mess. I couldn't seem to make friends in Nashville. My job constantly made me feel inadequate and I wondered when the comfort of knowing slightly what I was doing would ever come. And I was beginning to lose interest in nursing altogether, something that I had loved so much before. I reached out to old friends for help only to realize that they had moved on, were married, having kids, have their own problems, or just plain ole didn't want to talk to me anymore. Who knows? So, I reached out to the one man in my life who seemed to be stable... the one person who I knew would love me and care for me and do whatever it took to see me happy and us together... my boyfriend.
He is a very unemotional guy, non-confrontational, who just wants to have a good time. I thought this would be an excellent balance to my very emotionally charged nature. Maybe in my time of need, he could calm me and say the right words to help me get over things. In the bliss of our relationship, he gave me happiness. And instead of dealing with my crazy life, I allowed him to give me that happiness. However, when the smoke cleared and the honeymoon phase was over, all I had to talk to and depend on was just that... an unemotional guy who just wanted to have a good time. I didn't have that emotional connection with him. He wasn't making me happy with the "love" he was showing me. He wasn't able to support me emotionally! And on top of the lying and hurtful words and actions and the distance, the relationship fell apart. The harder I pushed for him to emotionally be there for me, the more resistance he showed and freedom he demanded... the more he seemed to do traumatic things (in my eyes) to the relationship and me that would show me I needed to back off. So with the distance he put between us plus the distance that had already existed, I was alone.
This alone feeling hit me hard. I felt helpless when it came to helping my family (which I've always been able to do in the past). I felt like something was wrong with me because I couldn't make friends and all my old friends went their separate ways. And the man I was convinced I would marry, wanted space. The louder I yelled, the harder I kicked and screamed, the more I cried, the more apparent it was becoming that there was NO ONE there. There were so many nights that I would sit in my large, empty one bedroom apartment in this large, empty city crying for someone to walk into my door and put their arms around me and reassure me that everything would be ok. There are countless days when I couldn't eat... I couldn't imagine the food filling me up enough that it would make me feel whole again. So, I became nausous at the thought of eating. There are countless nights when I couldn't sleep... I couldn't imagine sleep being able to take away the painful reality of my "poor pitiful life." So, I would sit up crying stairing at my empty bed. There are no words to describe this feeling. I can try and try but I will never be able to display the sadness, emptiness, and hurt that I was feeling. I could never fathom being able to do this... but I do understand the feeling people get right before they choose to end their life.
So instead of taking that route, I decided to pray. I mean I had no one else to talk to, so why not? I also began reading my Bible. I couldn't explain it, but praying and reading my Bible seemed to give me some bit of comfort. Whether it was all the comfort I thought I needed at the time was a different story. But it was, however, giving me more comfort than any single thing had for months before then, so I continued to do it. My mom had given me her In Touch magazine, which is a monthly devotional type thing written by Pastor Charles Stanley. I always enjoyed listening to him speak on tv so I thought I would give his magazine a chance. It was the Sunday, March 1st devotional that really hit home to me. It discussed how God gives us protection through strengthening. It sparked interest in me because it seemed to be what I was looking for... something or someone to strengthen me! So I read on... It said, "Does the Lord have to fix something in order for you to be happy? If He removes a difficult situation, you may never learn that He truly is sufficient for everything you need. Instead, allow Him to change YOU (not your situation), and you'll discover His joy in whatever circumstances may come your way."
I have been begging him for months to change my situation (the one which I ironically was so excited about being in almost a year ago). I asked him to give me friends and give me someone whom I can talk to. I should have been happy just talking to Him. I was asking God to take away the distance and find some way that I could move back to Knoxville and be with my boyfriend. I should've been happy that God was showing me the plan HE has for me, not the plan that I have for myself! I was begging for someone to walk into my door and put his arms around me, when God walked into my door a long time ago and has put His arms around me every night!! He has never let me go. He has never forsaken me, regardless of how little faith I had at times. I just never realized that the silence and solitude that the Lord was forcing me to be in was for my own good. It wasn't to punish me. It was to strengthen me and my faith in Him.
How amazing is He!
I will post the article next... It's called "Protection through Strengthening." I hope it will give you some comfort like it did me, if that is what you are needing in your life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Preface
“A strong woman is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as her laughter.”
I was born in
I believe I did pretty nicely for myself in high school then moved on to the
The main reason I have posted “a preface” is because I want you to be aware of the type of person I am. Not necessarily the person I would like you to think I am… but the person I REALLY am. My best (and sometimes worst) quality is how emotional I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t like words to go unsaid, I can’t go to sleep upset or mad, and I want those that I love to know it. How I feel is displayed on my face and in my actions. When I love, I love so deeply. When I hate, I hate so fiercely. And the list goes on and on. My emotional nature drives my actions and my decisions every day, and has ultimately landed me in the spot that I’m currently in.
Through the emotional roller coaster of this past year, I’ve had one life changing epiphany. I’m writing this blog to share with you the power that God has had in my life recently. Although I’m not where I need to be, I am continuing to grow and learn the lessons he has laid in front of me. I hope that by writing this blog I will learn more about myself and my relationship with God. Also, maybe someone else may find the answers they have been praying for.
I’m not a writer nor am I trying to be. I’m just going to try to tell my story the best way I can… honestly and with my whole heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
