Unanswered Prayers

"Just because He doesn't answer, does not mean that he doesn't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

I view life as one big roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs and you never know when these twists and turns will come or end. (It's a cheesy metaphor but please work with me here.) Just from past experiences, when you are on a high... it's a huge high! And you can't see nor do you want to see the low that may be around the corner. And when there's a low... it hits you fast, hard, and without warning. And although you scream and beg that the low will end, it seems to go on forever.

Well, last year was about the time of my graduation from college. It was one of the best times in my life and I felt unstoppable! I just completed the best 4 years of my life. I accepted a job offer to a well-respected hospital and ensured some stability in my life and my family's life post-graduation. I was going to be part of a highly sought after orientation/training program for new graduate nurses. My parents were proud of me. I had more friends than I could ask for and all the support in the world. And I started dating one of the most amazing guys I had ever met a week before graduation, who just absolutely swept me off my feet. I was doing everything that I ever dreamed of doing. It literally couldn't have gotten any better for me at that point.

No wonder I was so blind to what was about to happen to me!!

It wasn't until months later that the bliss and excitement of all that was happening in my life faded away. I came to the reality that my boyfriend would not be able to follow me to Nashville (where I wanted to live for many reasons) because he has a son in Knoxville. My family began falling apart and everything that could turn into a disaster did. Financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, my family was a mess. I couldn't seem to make friends in Nashville. My job constantly made me feel inadequate and I wondered when the comfort of knowing slightly what I was doing would ever come. And I was beginning to lose interest in nursing altogether, something that I had loved so much before. I reached out to old friends for help only to realize that they had moved on, were married, having kids, have their own problems, or just plain ole didn't want to talk to me anymore. Who knows? So, I reached out to the one man in my life who seemed to be stable... the one person who I knew would love me and care for me and do whatever it took to see me happy and us together... my boyfriend.

He is a very unemotional guy, non-confrontational, who just wants to have a good time. I thought this would be an excellent balance to my very emotionally charged nature. Maybe in my time of need, he could calm me and say the right words to help me get over things. In the bliss of our relationship, he gave me happiness. And instead of dealing with my crazy life, I allowed him to give me that happiness. However, when the smoke cleared and the honeymoon phase was over, all I had to talk to and depend on was just that... an unemotional guy who just wanted to have a good time. I didn't have that emotional connection with him. He wasn't making me happy with the "love" he was showing me. He wasn't able to support me emotionally! And on top of the lying and hurtful words and actions and the distance, the relationship fell apart. The harder I pushed for him to emotionally be there for me, the more resistance he showed and freedom he demanded... the more he seemed to do traumatic things (in my eyes) to the relationship and me that would show me I needed to back off. So with the distance he put between us plus the distance that had already existed, I was alone.

This alone feeling hit me hard. I felt helpless when it came to helping my family (which I've always been able to do in the past). I felt like something was wrong with me because I couldn't make friends and all my old friends went their separate ways. And the man I was convinced I would marry, wanted space. The louder I yelled, the harder I kicked and screamed, the more I cried, the more apparent it was becoming that there was NO ONE there. There were so many nights that I would sit in my large, empty one bedroom apartment in this large, empty city crying for someone to walk into my door and put their arms around me and reassure me that everything would be ok. There are countless days when I couldn't eat... I couldn't imagine the food filling me up enough that it would make me feel whole again. So, I became nausous at the thought of eating. There are countless nights when I couldn't sleep... I couldn't imagine sleep being able to take away the painful reality of my "poor pitiful life." So, I would sit up crying stairing at my empty bed. There are no words to describe this feeling. I can try and try but I will never be able to display the sadness, emptiness, and hurt that I was feeling. I could never fathom being able to do this... but I do understand the feeling people get right before they choose to end their life.

So instead of taking that route, I decided to pray. I mean I had no one else to talk to, so why not? I also began reading my Bible. I couldn't explain it, but praying and reading my Bible seemed to give me some bit of comfort. Whether it was all the comfort I thought I needed at the time was a different story. But it was, however, giving me more comfort than any single thing had for months before then, so I continued to do it. My mom had given me her In Touch magazine, which is a monthly devotional type thing written by Pastor Charles Stanley. I always enjoyed listening to him speak on tv so I thought I would give his magazine a chance. It was the Sunday, March 1st devotional that really hit home to me. It discussed how God gives us protection through strengthening. It sparked interest in me because it seemed to be what I was looking for... something or someone to strengthen me! So I read on... It said, "Does the Lord have to fix something in order for you to be happy? If He removes a difficult situation, you may never learn that He truly is sufficient for everything you need. Instead, allow Him to change YOU (not your situation), and you'll discover His joy in whatever circumstances may come your way."

I have been begging him for months to change my situation (the one which I ironically was so excited about being in almost a year ago). I asked him to give me friends and give me someone whom I can talk to. I should have been happy just talking to Him. I was asking God to take away the distance and find some way that I could move back to Knoxville and be with my boyfriend. I should've been happy that God was showing me the plan HE has for me, not the plan that I have for myself! I was begging for someone to walk into my door and put his arms around me, when God walked into my door a long time ago and has put His arms around me every night!! He has never let me go. He has never forsaken me, regardless of how little faith I had at times. I just never realized that the silence and solitude that the Lord was forcing me to be in was for my own good. It wasn't to punish me. It was to strengthen me and my faith in Him.

How amazing is He!

I will post the article next... It's called "Protection through Strengthening." I hope it will give you some comfort like it did me, if that is what you are needing in your life.