Have Mercy, Lord

"You are a shield around me, O Lord. You bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from His holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise O Lord, deliver me!

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, 'Who can show us any good?' Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread you protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, for I am faint; Heal me, for my bones are troubled. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do and bring evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." (Psalms 3-6)

Lord, I will lie in my bed tonight and weep, uncontrollably and painfully weep for this to end... just like I have done many other times before. Please end this turmoil and strife in my heart and in my life. Take me out of this pain and unhappiness and place me in your hands. Comfort me, hold me, reassure me, Lord. For I am as weak as I have ever been and I have had little faith for far too long. Have mercy on me, Lord. It has been hard for me to put away my controlling nature. I have depended on it for so long. For months I have tried to fill my life with what I thought would make me happy. I had a feeling it wasn't what you wanted for me, however, that didn't stop me from trying to make it work. I was too scared to let go and allow you to show me what plans you have in store for me. Sadly, I had more faith in what he was telling me than I did in what you were so loudly and clearly telling me. I chose to allow him to control my happiness and my life with broken promises and empty words. Lord, please forgive me. You have never forsaken me before but I still chose to go down my own unrighteous path... denying every step of the way how destructive it was. But Lord I do see now that I am not in control. You have shown me time and time again that you are. You have screamed as loud as you could to me to hand over the reigns, to have complete faith in the plans you have in my life! I will no longer ignore what you are telling me. I have failed miserably and I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me and have mercy on me.

For months now, I have walked down this road of lies, deceit, anger, jealousy, pride, fear, lust, and stress. All with the hopes that one man in my life could take that all away... that all of his promises would be able to undo all that was done and would bring me happiness and a life full of fulfilling memories and adventures. The harder I cried, the louder I screamed, the more I fought, the more apparent it became that something wasn't right. It shouldn't be this hard. Because in love, all things are perfect. And this was far from that.

I knew for months what God was telling me. But I chose to have more faith in this guy to show me the life "he was going to give me" than I did in God. I was more interested in what he had to offer than what God had to offer. And because of my disobedience and my lack of faith in Him, I've ended up with this heartache and pain and absolute turmoil and disappointment. Instead of having patience and faith, I tried filling this desire to love and be loved with someone I had to force and beg to treat me the way I wanted and knew I deserved.

Now in order to prove my faithfulness to Him, I must give up all my wordly pleasures (or what I thought were pleasures, meaning relationships, drinking, etc). I have to give up my childish things and my childish ways. I have to sit and wait and be silent. I have to be still and trust in Him. For his works will take hold of my life and take me where He wants me to go. It is then that He will fill my life with meaningful friends and a fulfilling relationship. He will give me my husband and the father of my kids and there will be no stress of trying to make him be who I deserve and no fear of disappointment. And at that point in my life, I will be all that he deserves as well.

As long as I have dreaded this day, it is here. But I am now comforted in the fact that He will not forsake me. He is not closing this door in my life without opening a new one. I do have faith now because throughout these past few months I have been strengthened by Him. Even when I least deserved it, God has shown His mercy on my life and provided me with the tools I need to move forward, steadfastly. Lord, please forgive me for taking so long.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Then you will call out to me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13